thollenbeck's Xanga

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:46:11 GMT

Boys are very strange. That is all for now.

Life Changing Events

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:07:51 GMT

I've been debating whether or not to post anything on here since I think the last time I wrote anything was 2007. That was a long time ago. Even now, I'm not going to post any details. But sometimes it helps me think to write things down. I have a better time with written words than with spoken, and when I see my thoughts written out I can reflect on what they mean to me, and probably to other too.

Lately I've been listening to music to see if I can garner some wisdom from that, but not having much luck. Usually, in any given song, a line here or there will strike, but there's no song out there right now that fits where I am right now. At least not that I know of. For those of you who don't know what's going on, there are plenty of people to ask. You can ask me if you want, but don't do it on here. Some things just aren't for the public sphere.

I understand the processes of pain, loss, and mourning. And I accept that some things must be difficult now in order to get better later. I wish some others would see that it doesn't have to be the way that they're making it, but they are so lost in their own sorrow they don't see the differences that exist now, and that have been growing for a long time. Denial is a comfortable place to hide. Things are normal and less stressful that way. The cost one pays in the end is that you only live a half-life that way, never in much pain but never truly happy either. Anything great in life comes at great risk. And it's scary, but I have to jump. I have to care for myself and finally believe I'm worth it. I've been living for other people for a very long time. So I cleaned my kitchen last night, because I love the smell of bleach and wanted a good place to cook. I've lost 17 lbs since the beginning of March, not because I want other people to think I'm attractive but because I want my joints to feel better and I want to prevent diabetes as long as possible. I'm going to learn to cook. I live right next to a grocery store; if I feel the desire to cook something I've never tried before, I want to be spontaneous enough to just run over and get what I need to cook it. And then have leftovers. Tonight I'm going to clean my living room because I'd like to be able to spread out on my couch when I'm chilling with my cat and watching TV. And these are little things, simple things, but things I'm doing for me. And me alone.

So take what you want from this. Be angry if you want, work hard at not understanding my motivations if you want, because it really doesn't matter to me anymore. Pain and hate take too much energy, and I have life that I want to live.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 01:56:43 GMT

So I haven't posted in a while. But as I was packing to move into a new apartment, I began contemplating life, the universe and everything (not to rip off Doug Adams or anything.) And what I was contemplating was the fact that everyone seems to be leading a more exciting life than I am.

I know people who have gone to London, Greece, Spain, Germany, and a wide variety of third world countries for study abroad programs and mission trips, all within their college careers. I have gone... nowhere. I haven't even left the North Dakota-Minnesota region in five years. Make that four, I did go to Italy my freshman year on an overdue choir trip from high school. I have friends who've interned in Ohio, Alaska, Washington, New York, and D.C. I have interned... officially, nowhere. And even unofficially, only in GF. I don't feel like I'm missing something, but I see everything that everyone else is doing, and it makes me wonder if I missing something. I'm a small town, Midwestern girl, and I like it here in the middle of nowhere. That's never bothered me. I just occasionally wonder if I should be doing more with my life. Even when I go to grad school I'm only going to go to St. Cloud. Then my life's dream is to work as a school counselor. In hindsight, not a very high goal. Is that bad? I just want to work with kids and teens because it's something I really love to do. I just feel like there's something inherently bad with not wanting to leave this area. It has nothing to do with a fear of new places or anything, I just love living up here. And I feel like I could have done more with my college life, too. At least traveled for a summer.

Someone please give me some answers.

The other thing that's getting me down is that I started moving into my new apartment today after I got done with work, and I had no one to help me. Eric's in Memphis at a leadership conference and so was Chris, so there went my strength. So I started calling my friends. Some people had parents in town, others were still at work, others already hitting the bar. A vast majority were either packing to move into new apartments themselves, actually moving, or helping other friends move. Granted, perhaps I should have asked someone ahead of time. I'm not so arrogant as to think that everyone would just drop their lives to help me move. And it IS Friday night. I guess I just thought I'd be able to find someone who didn't have much going on tonight. And I guess I was wrong. Just feels a little lonely, that's all. Especially when I'm hauling a microwave up a flight of stairs.

And the AC in my new apartment died, which angers me, because it was working fine Thursday when I did the walk-through with my landlord. Just one more brick to add to the pile. Oh well, tomorrow I go to the lake, and I always find it easy to relax at the lake. Which is good, because my back needs it. Hopefully my cat won't keep me up tonight. I'm hungry. Perhaps I shall go find some food. Perhaps.

Leave me your own thoughts and responses. Be honest. Tell me if you think I just sound whiny and pathetic.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 13:35:09 GMT

Okay, so being sick sucks, since I've got strep AGAIN. Haven't gotten antibiotics yet, but I've got all the telltale signes of strep, so I'm going in on Monday. But that's not why I'm posting. I'm posting because I really should be cleaning because my parents are coming up for my mom's 50th birthday today. I have 2 1/2 hours until they're here and my apartment is a disaster. Even PJ's getting pissed it's such a mess. And actually, I'm posting because I have a question. Call me weblog challenged or whatever, but what are footprints? I keep hearing (seeing?) people talk about them and I don't know what they are. Not that I think too many people actually come to my xanga, but I know at least a few people have subscriptions. Maybe you guys don't even bother to read. "Oh it's just Tara, nothing new ever happens in her life." Sorry, going off on a short self-pity trip right there. And I'm building the bridge and getting over it.

Well, this has been rather pointless. But at least it's short! I'm going to go clean a little. My parents will be said if they see all the junk on my floor. I need to vacuum. That is all.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 12:22:30 GMT

Yay Xanga! Boo strep.

So I've been sick for the past week and half. With strep. But I didn't know it until yesterday. I had a cold last week, too, so I thought I was just getting over that, but my sore throat never went away. So I go to Student Health yesterday. This is what the doctor says as he's going over the blood report with me (oh yeah, they didn't take a throat culture): "Well, your white blood cell count is high, meaning you've got a bacterial infection; obviously, your throat. It could be strep, might not be, I don't know. We'll get you some amoxycillin. If you don't feel better in 10 days, come back and see us." Grrr! I told the guy I work at a daycare. I kinda need to know whether it's strep or not. I didn't press it though; I knew my boss would need me to work strep or not, so it didn't really matter. Legally, she can't have a contagious employee working, but legally she can't have less than two employees there at one time. And on the Thursday before Easter break there is not a sub to be had. So I was there, coughing on the babies (trying not to, but failing miserably), and avoiding handling food. I guess what irritates me most about the whole thing is that she could have stayed late instead of me, but she wanted to get home and watch the Sioux game. Which also sucked. They played a piss-poor game of hockey last night. I was disappointed.

More moans and groans about work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's just that administratively, there's a few things that just sorta suck. Now, I was planning on doing a co-op this summer, preferably with adolescents since I don't have as much experience working with adolescents as I do with younger children. I told my boss this. I gave her my availability, and told her I wanted to work about 20 hours a week this summer. I'm working at least 12:30 pm to close everyday - which on some days is 10:30 at night. Three days out of the week, it'll be 10:30 am to close. On average, I'll be working just over 40 hours every week. Great for overtime, sucks for co-op. Because on top of that I'm taking physics too. So I'll be going from 8 am to 10 pm every day, hardcore. So I'm certainly not going to be able to do the co-op I want, but I'm going to talk to the coordinator and my boss and see if I can do a co-op at the daycare. It just kind of ticks me off that she has me working that much. I didn't remind her about wanting to only work 20 hrs. on my availability sheet, but she does know she hires college students.

School is... going. Could be going better. Strep kinda takes you down a little. I'm behind on studying and have a few papers that are overdue. Grrr. I hate spring semester. It always seems longer because you have so many breaks, and somehow I always end up taking the classes that I hate in spring semester. Although at this point I think I'm just ready to be done with undergrad. Ready to move on to bigger and more challenging things. I got this place figured out. Even my 400-level classes aren't that hard. Now I want to figure out something new. I think next spring I'll take a grad course just for fun. They only let you do that if you're a graduating senior. My fifth year is going to be so long...

Anyway, enough of that. So it's April, and right now it's 12 degrees outside. 12!!! I hate North Dakota sometimes. In general, I like it here up north because I like winter and I like snow. But even I get sick of it eventually. We had a week of 50 degree weather, and then the next week, we had a snowstorm. It made me sad. And it hasn't warmed up since then. Bring on spring! Bring on the mud, and the flooded Red River! I'm so ready to stop wearing my boots and my winter coat.

My cat got sick a few weeks ago. Then everyone started freaking me out because he got sick right around the time of the cat food scare, but I knew that wasn't possible because I only feed him dry food and I bought a jumbo bag about a month ago. Turns out he was drinking the water from the fish bowl. Dracula lives on top of the fridge now. An odd place for a fish, but at least PJ can't get at him. And my microwave died! I came home from class one day and the breaker had popped. So I reset it, but the whole thing is just dead. It's not the magnetron, or whatever it's called. The whole damn thing is dead. The light won't come, the clock doesn't work. Nothing. It's not even a year old. Grrr.

I just noticed this post is more of a rant than an update. I haven't posted here in nearly 4 months, and all I'm doing is whining. My life still is pretty good right now. My parents' house has walls now. All they need to do is put in the cabinets, the appliances, and the flooring, and then my parents can move in. They're thinking sometime in mid-May. Now I can say, "I'm going to the lake this weekend." They're excited, I'm excited. I'll be even more excited when they get their boat. My mom wants to get a 24-foot deck boat! I think it's just awesome. Eric and I are still together. 3 years this year. It's kinda weird. It still feels like some days we've known each other forever, like he's always been there, and yet at the same time 3 years has just flown by. It's such a strange feeling. But I love it.

And now, having killed a half an hour, I really need to go pack and go home for Easter break. Talk to you all later!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 14:57:19 GMT

Wow, it's been a while. And so much has happened! I got a new job, which is fabulous. I work at a daycare now that's open in the evenings for people who non-traditional work schedules. Always good times. I got a cat! You have to hear the story on this cat. So I volunteer at the Humane Society, and in the beginning of December I was playing with the cats (like usual) and there was this sweet gray 10-yr.-old cat named PJ. He was kinda shy, but when I opened up his cage and started petting him he started to purr like mad, and then when I picked him he snuggled right up to me. I asked one of the staff there what his history was (you usually don't see a 10-yr.-old cat in the Humane Society) and it turns out that he and his brother, Oreo, had been adopted as kittens by a family who wanted them for their children. When the children grew up and went to college, they just didn't want the cats anymore. Oreo had already been adopted by the time I was there, and it was just PJ now. The saddest part of that is that Oreo had been the dominant cat, and PJ missed him a lot, which is why he was so shy. So I left my name with the girl because I really wanted a cat, and now that I had a new job I could actually afford to keep one. But I wanted to talk to my mom first. Over break, she was not in favor of me getting PJ. She wouldn't come out and say, "don't get him," because I'm 21 now and she lets me make my own decisions. But I respect her opinion, so I decided not to get him. I get a call from the Humane Society on the Monday before school starts asking if I was still interested in adopting PJ, and I said that I wasn't sure if I'd have the time for him. So then the lady gets her sad voice out and says, "Well, he's come down with an upper respiratory infection, and... not to give you an ultimatum or anything, but it's a possibility that we'll have to euthanize him." So first I'm shocked that no one else wanted to adopt this sweet cat, second I'm shocked that they're going to put this sweet cat down! So Eric and I went out and got him that afternoon. And he is such a lovable furball! So well-behaved; when we took him to the vet to get him checked out and get his rabies shot, he didn't squirm or fight with the vet at all. And it turns out he didn't have an upper respiratory infection at all, he was just a little stressed out. So they were going to euthanize a perfectly healthy cat! And that's the story of PJ. Many people have heard it, but I love telling it.

So wow, that was a long story about PJ, and now I have to finish getting ready for class. Lighting Design, 11 am. And I didn't get to take a shower today, grr. They turned off the hot water in our building, and the cold water is COLD. Like frostbite/hypthermia kind of cold. And I knew about this, I could have gotten up a little earlier and taken a shower, but no. I was a moron and thought, cold shower? No problem, it'll wake me up in the morning. Yeah, right. Don't ever do that. I seriously do not reccommend it. But anyway, talk to you later!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 15:46:46 GMT

Wow, it's been a while. Since October or something, is that what I saw? Well, I'm at home now for Christmas break. But I must leave on Tuesday ::sniff::. I really enjoy being home now, since I'm more of a guest instead of just family. It's not that my parents treat me any different... well, they do. They treat like I'm a responsible, independent, young adult. And I appreciate that. Either way, we really get along a lot better now. The only thing that disappoints me is that a couple of people talked to me before break and said they were going to call me so we could get together for coffee or something, but no one ever did. :^(. And they can't really call now; Eric's coming down today for New Year's. But whatever. I haven't seen them in over two years, so what's another year? One I know is dealing with some family issues, so I can understand why they didn't call. But the other seemed really excited to talk to me and catch up, but he never did. Oh well. Like so many times before, he probably forgot or just got wrapped up in something else. Thanks, friend.

But more uplifting news. My parents got me a TV for Christmas! So I don't have to have my tiny little 13" thing in my entertainment center anymore. I can actually have a TV that goes with the center and my huge-ass speakers (that I can't actually use to their full potential, but it's cool having them anyway). And a food processor, and a couple of cool cookbooks, even though I don't cook that much. But I do appreciate them. And a buttload of giftcards. And cash. A significant amount of cash. Can't beat that. Anyway.

More stuff is going on in my life; new job, friends graduating in spring, stuff like that, but I really don't feel like posting a huge entry right now. So I'll talk to you all later.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 12:10:04 GMT

Well, since Lithia took away our internet, I'm actually updating outside of work. It's 8 in the morning, I should be getting ready to go to class, but I really don't want to. So I'm postponing it. Life has been pretty good. Friday night was good times and much needed. Brandon's such a funny drunk, and it was his 21st. So we took him downtown. My wonderful Eric DDed again. He likes to watch people get drunk and do goofy things. Although I have to say, it did remind me just a little bit of my freshman year when I was the designated walker (we hadn't gotten smart enough to have a DD, but I was the most sober. So I had to make sure we all got in the same cab, or at least headed in the same direction) for my suitemates. It sucked trying to make sure they didn't wander out into the street and get hit by a car. Brandon was running out into the street Friday night. Not good. No 2 in the morning run to Emerald Grill this time though. That was okay though. The Lambdas had to get up by nine to go do their philanthropy Saturday morning. That was interesting. I stayed at Lambda, so I got woken up as well by the sirens and loud music to make sure all the boys were up. I mean, I stayed in bed, but you can't really sleep with a siren outside your door. I wasn't mad, I knew it was going to happen.

Well, that's the most recent news. There's other news in my life, not any more significant than the above stories, but not any less either. I just don't feel like writing that much right now. Man, does anyone who doesn't live in the Cities miss the radio station KS95? The closest thing we have up here in XL93, and they play a lot of hip hop. I don't like hip hop. I'd say I hate it, but there are a few remote songs I like. If only I could cross Big Dog radio with XL93, then I'd have my beloved KS95. Sigh. Well, I'm out like a boner in sweatpants. See y'all later.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 18:24:08 GMT

So Lithia has taken away our internet. Or at least anything remotely entertaining. I'm surprised that it lets me get on here. We can't check email, can't go to facebook, can't play any online games. There's a bunch of restrictions. I suppose they don't want the employees using the internet for personal use. But I don't have any fucking things to do up here! Goddamnit. I studied calculus, I studied motivation and emotion, and I finished stuffing all those damn envelopes. There were over 600 of them. It was insane. Kind of like work is going to be from now on. I'm quite irritated. I use my email for school, and I would write papers and send them to myself from work. Can't do that anymore. I don't know if I can do any online research. That's a huge part of my papers and stuff. Research. I love the PsycINFO database. It gets me good articles without actually having to go to the library for them. "Web-based email" is blocked, "Personals and Dating" is blocked (that's what it filed Facebook under). You would have thought it would take xanga too, but no. I'm sorry this is so disjointed. I didn't really want to post, but I seriously lack anything better to do. I should get a laptop and bring it here and plug it in. Somehow I get the feeling they would get mad at me. Sigh. Work sucks a lot more than it used to. But that wasn't really hard to do. Work didn't suck much before. Well, I suppose I should go before they catch me. Bub-bye!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 12:59:08 GMT

So far since Lithia has taken over the Hansen Group, they have done nothing but fuck things up. I was supposed to get paid today. I didn't. I have a whole pay period of work that I need the money from that I don't have yet. I can't pay my rent til I get it. So that would be nice if they would give me my fucking money!!! They damn well better not be waiting til the next pay period. I need that money now. I can't even clock in at work yet. I'm not in the system yet; so I have to use the salesman's timeclock. I know that doesn't make sense, but I really don't want to explain it right now. Let's see, I think I'm going to tell you everything that sucked about this week.

Monday: I waited in line for 2 1/2 hours (that I had not planned on) to piss in a cup for a drug test. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday: This is actually the one day of the week that nothing went wrong on. Yay!

Wednesday: Woke up, hadn't gotten to see Eric the night before at all. Went to class, knowing I hadn't read the whole play I was supposed to for Art and Craft, but we read it in high school, so I figured I could bluff it. Then found out she assigned another chapter for us to read that I hadn't even touched. Texted Eric, told him to come to his class early because he's in the room I was in right after me. Just needed a hug and wanted to vent a little, but he was slightly distracted because he had a project due that day and was talking to a friend while I was trying to talk to him. We're okay now, but it just kind of added insult to injury.

Thursday: Didn't have the props I needed for acting class. Ran around all morning (before 9:30) trying to find the sound effect of a screeching car crashing. It's not easy, let me tell you.

Friday: Didn't get paid like I needed to and thought we were going to.

That's it. I just want to quit at life. I make plans, I want to do things, but then everything goes wrong. Well, maybe not everything, but enough to piss me off. Seems like everything I tried to do this week something got screwed up on. It's just really frustrating to wake up every morning and have something go wrong right off the bat. You don't even get to prepare for something to suck, it just comes up and broadsides you. You didn't even see it coming. I have to work tomorrow. Not sure how they're going to do that. Ten bucks says I don't get to eat tomorrow. Stupid Lithia assholes.