| | I've been debating whether or not to post anything on here since I think the last time I wrote anything was 2007. That was a long time ago. Even now, I'm not going to post any details. But sometimes it helps me think to write things down. I have a better time with written words than with spoken, and when I see my thoughts written out I can reflect on what they mean to me, and probably to other too.
Lately I've been listening to music to see if I can garner some wisdom from that, but not having much luck. Usually, in any given song, a line here or there will strike, but there's no song out there right now that fits where I am right now. At least not that I know of. For those of you who don't know what's going on, there are plenty of people to ask. You can ask me if you want, but don't do it on here. Some things just aren't for the public sphere.
I understand the processes of pain, loss, and mourning. And I accept that some things must be difficult now in order to get better later. I wish some others would see that it doesn't have to be the way that they're making it, but they are so lost in their own sorrow they don't see the differences that exist now, and that have been growing for a long time. Denial is a comfortable place to hide. Things are normal and less stressful that way. The cost one pays in the end is that you only live a half-life that way, never in much pain but never truly happy either. Anything great in life comes at great risk. And it's scary, but I have to jump. I have to care for myself and finally believe I'm worth it. I've been living for other people for a very long time. So I cleaned my kitchen last night, because I love the smell of bleach and wanted a good place to cook. I've lost 17 lbs since the beginning of March, not because I want other people to think I'm attractive but because I want my joints to feel better and I want to prevent diabetes as long as possible. I'm going to learn to cook. I live right next to a grocery store; if I feel the desire to cook something I've never tried before, I want to be spontaneous enough to just run over and get what I need to cook it. And then have leftovers. Tonight I'm going to clean my living room because I'd like to be able to spread out on my couch when I'm chilling with my cat and watching TV. And these are little things, simple things, but things I'm doing for me. And me alone.
So take what you want from this. Be angry if you want, work hard at not understanding my motivations if you want, because it really doesn't matter to me anymore. Pain and hate take too much energy, and I have life that I want to live.
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| | Posted 4/16/2009 1:07 PM - 4 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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