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thollenbeck
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Name: Tara
Country: United States
State: North Dakota
Metro: Fargo
Birthday: 6/11/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: I love skiing, although since I live in the flattest state of the Union I don't get to do it much. I also love biking, but since it snows 3/4 of the year up here I don't get to do that much either. Oh well. Other interests, music, cars, Canada... I know, kinda random.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  PSWkittyqueen611
MSN: freudianfuzzy@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/12/2004
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| Boys are very strange. That is all for now.
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| Life Changing EventsI've been debating whether or not to post anything on here since I think the last time I wrote anything was 2007. That was a long time ago. Even now, I'm not going to post any details. But sometimes it helps me think to write things down. I have a better time with written words than with spoken, and when I see my thoughts written out I can reflect on what they mean to me, and probably to other too.
Lately I've been listening to music to see if I can garner some wisdom from that, but not having much luck. Usually, in any given song, a line here or there will strike, but there's no song out there right now that fits where I am right now. At least not that I know of. For those of you who don't know what's going on, there are plenty of people to ask. You can ask me if you want, but don't do it on here. Some things just aren't for the public sphere.
I understand the processes of pain, loss, and mourning. And I accept that some things must be difficult now in order to get better later. I wish some others would see that it doesn't have to be the way that they're making it, but they are so lost in their own sorrow they don't see the differences that exist now, and that have been growing for a long time. Denial is a comfortable place to hide. Things are normal and less stressful that way. The cost one pays in the end is that you only live a half-life that way, never in much pain but never truly happy either. Anything great in life comes at great risk. And it's scary, but I have to jump. I have to care for myself and finally believe I'm worth it. I've been living for other people for a very long time. So I cleaned my kitchen last night, because I love the smell of bleach and wanted a good place to cook. I've lost 17 lbs since the beginning of March, not because I want other people to think I'm attractive but because I want my joints to feel better and I want to prevent diabetes as long as possible. I'm going to learn to cook. I live right next to a grocery store; if I feel the desire to cook something I've never tried before, I want to be spontaneous enough to just run over and get what I need to cook it. And then have leftovers. Tonight I'm going to clean my living room because I'd like to be able to spread out on my couch when I'm chilling with my cat and watching TV. And these are little things, simple things, but things I'm doing for me. And me alone.
So take what you want from this. Be angry if you want, work hard at not understanding my motivations if you want, because it really doesn't matter to me anymore. Pain and hate take too much energy, and I have life that I want to live.
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| So I haven't posted in a while. But as I was packing to move into a new apartment, I began contemplating life, the universe and everything (not to rip off Doug Adams or anything.) And what I was contemplating was the fact that everyone seems to be leading a more exciting life than I am.
I know people who have gone to London, Greece, Spain, Germany, and a wide variety of third world countries for study abroad programs and mission trips, all within their college careers. I have gone... nowhere. I haven't even left the North Dakota-Minnesota region in five years. Make that four, I did go to Italy my freshman year on an overdue choir trip from high school. I have friends who've interned in Ohio, Alaska, Washington, New York, and D.C. I have interned... officially, nowhere. And even unofficially, only in GF. I don't feel like I'm missing something, but I see everything that everyone else is doing, and it makes me wonder if I missing something. I'm a small town, Midwestern girl, and I like it here in the middle of nowhere. That's never bothered me. I just occasionally wonder if I should be doing more with my life. Even when I go to grad school I'm only going to go to St. Cloud. Then my life's dream is to work as a school counselor. In hindsight, not a very high goal. Is that bad? I just want to work with kids and teens because it's something I really love to do. I just feel like there's something inherently bad with not wanting to leave this area. It has nothing to do with a fear of new places or anything, I just love living up here. And I feel like I could have done more with my college life, too. At least traveled for a summer.
Someone please give me some answers.
The other thing that's getting me down is that I started moving into my new apartment today after I got done with work, and I had no one to help me. Eric's in Memphis at a leadership conference and so was Chris, so there went my strength. So I started calling my friends. Some people had parents in town, others were still at work, others already hitting the bar. A vast majority were either packing to move into new apartments themselves, actually moving, or helping other friends move. Granted, perhaps I should have asked someone ahead of time. I'm not so arrogant as to think that everyone would just drop their lives to help me move. And it IS Friday night. I guess I just thought I'd be able to find someone who didn't have much going on tonight. And I guess I was wrong. Just feels a little lonely, that's all. Especially when I'm hauling a microwave up a flight of stairs.
And the AC in my new apartment died, which angers me, because it was working fine Thursday when I did the walk-through with my landlord. Just one more brick to add to the pile. Oh well, tomorrow I go to the lake, and I always find it easy to relax at the lake. Which is good, because my back needs it. Hopefully my cat won't keep me up tonight. I'm hungry. Perhaps I shall go find some food. Perhaps.
Leave me your own thoughts and responses. Be honest. Tell me if you think I just sound whiny and pathetic.
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| Okay, so being sick sucks, since I've got strep AGAIN. Haven't gotten antibiotics yet, but I've got all the telltale signes of strep, so I'm going in on Monday. But that's not why I'm posting. I'm posting because I really should be cleaning because my parents are coming up for my mom's 50th birthday today. I have 2 1/2 hours until they're here and my apartment is a disaster. Even PJ's getting pissed it's such a mess. And actually, I'm posting because I have a question. Call me weblog challenged or whatever, but what are footprints? I keep hearing (seeing?) people talk about them and I don't know what they are. Not that I think too many people actually come to my xanga, but I know at least a few people have subscriptions. Maybe you guys don't even bother to read. "Oh it's just Tara, nothing new ever happens in her life." Sorry, going off on a short self-pity trip right there. And I'm building the bridge and getting over it.
Well, this has been rather pointless. But at least it's short! I'm going to go clean a little. My parents will be said if they see all the junk on my floor. I need to vacuum. That is all.
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| Yay Xanga! Boo strep.
So I've been sick for the past week and half. With strep. But I didn't know it until yesterday. I had a cold last week, too, so I thought I was just getting over that, but my sore throat never went away. So I go to Student Health yesterday. This is what the doctor says as he's going over the blood report with me (oh yeah, they didn't take a throat culture): "Well, your white blood cell count is high, meaning you've got a bacterial infection; obviously, your throat. It could be strep, might not be, I don't know. We'll get you some amoxycillin. If you don't feel better in 10 days, come back and see us." Grrr! I told the guy I work at a daycare. I kinda need to know whether it's strep or not. I didn't press it though; I knew my boss would need me to work strep or not, so it didn't really matter. Legally, she can't have a contagious employee working, but legally she can't have less than two employees there at one time. And on the Thursday before Easter break there is not a sub to be had. So I was there, coughing on the babies (trying not to, but failing miserably), and avoiding handling food. I guess what irritates me most about the whole thing is that she could have stayed late instead of me, but she wanted to get home and watch the Sioux game. Which also sucked. They played a piss-poor game of hockey last night. I was disappointed.
More moans and groans about work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's just that administratively, there's a few things that just sorta suck. Now, I was planning on doing a co-op this summer, preferably with adolescents since I don't have as much experience working with adolescents as I do with younger children. I told my boss this. I gave her my availability, and told her I wanted to work about 20 hours a week this summer. I'm working at least 12:30 pm to close everyday - which on some days is 10:30 at night. Three days out of the week, it'll be 10:30 am to close. On average, I'll be working just over 40 hours every week. Great for overtime, sucks for co-op. Because on top of that I'm taking physics too. So I'll be going from 8 am to 10 pm every day, hardcore. So I'm certainly not going to be able to do the co-op I want, but I'm going to talk to the coordinator and my boss and see if I can do a co-op at the daycare. It just kind of ticks me off that she has me working that much. I didn't remind her about wanting to only work 20 hrs. on my availability sheet, but she does know she hires college students.
School is... going. Could be going better. Strep kinda takes you down a little. I'm behind on studying and have a few papers that are overdue. Grrr. I hate spring semester. It always seems longer because you have so many breaks, and somehow I always end up taking the classes that I hate in spring semester. Although at this point I think I'm just ready to be done with undergrad. Ready to move on to bigger and more challenging things. I got this place figured out. Even my 400-level classes aren't that hard. Now I want to figure out something new. I think next spring I'll take a grad course just for fun. They only let you do that if you're a graduating senior. My fifth year is going to be so long...
Anyway, enough of that. So it's April, and right now it's 12 degrees outside. 12!!! I hate North Dakota sometimes. In general, I like it here up north because I like winter and I like snow. But even I get sick of it eventually. We had a week of 50 degree weather, and then the next week, we had a snowstorm. It made me sad. And it hasn't warmed up since then. Bring on spring! Bring on the mud, and the flooded Red River! I'm so ready to stop wearing my boots and my winter coat.
My cat got sick a few weeks ago. Then everyone started freaking me out because he got sick right around the time of the cat food scare, but I knew that wasn't possible because I only feed him dry food and I bought a jumbo bag about a month ago. Turns out he was drinking the water from the fish bowl. Dracula lives on top of the fridge now. An odd place for a fish, but at least PJ can't get at him. And my microwave died! I came home from class one day and the breaker had popped. So I reset it, but the whole thing is just dead. It's not the magnetron, or whatever it's called. The whole damn thing is dead. The light won't come, the clock doesn't work. Nothing. It's not even a year old. Grrr.
I just noticed this post is more of a rant than an update. I haven't posted here in nearly 4 months, and all I'm doing is whining. My life still is pretty good right now. My parents' house has walls now. All they need to do is put in the cabinets, the appliances, and the flooring, and then my parents can move in. They're thinking sometime in mid-May. Now I can say, "I'm going to the lake this weekend." They're excited, I'm excited. I'll be even more excited when they get their boat. My mom wants to get a 24-foot deck boat! I think it's just awesome. Eric and I are still together. 3 years this year. It's kinda weird. It still feels like some days we've known each other forever, like he's always been there, and yet at the same time 3 years has just flown by. It's such a strange feeling. But I love it.
And now, having killed a half an hour, I really need to go pack and go home for Easter break. Talk to you all later!
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